So when the hell did Canada get so interesting?
First there was all that (totally super-awesome) Rob Ford nonsense which gave to the world a beautiful precedent for famous/strange/politically connected people blaming any kind of shenanigans–from smoking crack to invading small nations–on just being really drunk (thanks, Mr. Mayor!). And now, there’s this: Paul Hellyer–former Canadian Minister of Defense, former senior minister from Pierre Trudeau’s 1968 cabinet, current alien-loving whistle-blower–doing a half-hour interview on Russian TV in which he talks A LOT about aliens.
“The first question you have to ask is how many species [of aliens] are there?”
According to Hellyer, he originally believed that “four species–four different species, at least–have been visiting this planet for thousands of years.” But after years of research and talking to other witnesses and contactees, he now believes the number to be closer to 80.
“There’s been a lot more activity in the last few decades since we invented the atomic bomb,” he says. “And they’re very concerned about that and the fact that we might use it again.”
As a matter of fact, the aliens are concerned about a lot of things–pollution, environmental damage, nuclear weapons, poor people, the food supply, our general dick-ishness when it comes to blowing each other up and shooting down their spaceships. Hellyer again: “I would say that nearly all [alien species] are benign or benevolent. They want to help us. There may be one or two species which do not. And that’s one of the things I’m investigating at the moment.”
Well I for one am glad that someone is keeping an eye on the tricky ones, you know? And a former Canadian Defense Minister investigating a global alien coverup? That’s just begging to be turned into a Harrison Ford movie where he makes a lot of concerned faces and maybe jumps out of the way of some slow-motion explosions. I would pay money to see that. Maybe not full price, but certainly a matinee.
Hellyer goes on at length in his interview, talking about gray aliens and Nordic aliens (“Tall Whites,” he calls them) and why they’re here and what they want. He talks about the motivations of the various species (which are…confused, and vaguely parental in a creepy kind of way) and how we need to stop blowing shit up all the time if we want the aliens to help us out more. They were apparently responsible for giving us LED lights, microchips and Kevlar, but could do a lot more if only we could convince them that we’re worthy. And if the United States would quit taking pot-shots at all their flying saucers. And if we would clean up the damn rivers and fjords and stuff.
“There is what’s called A Federation,” Hellyer explains. “And they have rules. For example, one of the rules is that they don’t interfere in our affairs unless they’re invited to. They have accepted the fact that this is our planet and that we have the right to run it.”
The most amazing thing about the entire interview, I think, is how dull it is. How…pedestrian. And that’s actually one of the things that makes it fascinating to me. The man isn’t going for the Big Reveal. He’s not talking about imminent invasion. The aliens are here, he insists. They’ve been here for a long time. People know about it and they’re keeping it secret, but some of the details are so mundane–Nordic aliens shopping on the streets of Las Vegas, long discussions of how their version of Star Trek’s “Prime Directive” ought to be employed. The most shocking statement in the entire interview (besides Hellyer’s contention that the star of Bethlehem was actually one of God’s UFOs, of course) was his insistence that there are extraterrestrials living in our own solar system–something that NO ONE has claimed in years.
“They come from various places. For a long while I only knew about ones who came from other star systems–the Pleiades and Zeta Reticuli and several other star systems. But in the last few months I have met people who have made me aware that there are some in our star system–that there are extraterrestrials who live on a planet called Andromedia, which is one of the moons of Saturn, and that there are others on Venus and some on Mars.”
There’s something kind of charming and Crazy Old Man-ish about going public with news of Martians visiting Earth. Makes me want to make him a cup of tea and find him a comfy chair so he can yell at the kids walking on lawn.
And keep in mind, I’m not saying that he’s wrong. Listening to UFO and alien believers is a lot like reading Yelp reviews of a restaurant. You’ve got to be able to crowdsource. You’ve got to be able to take in a lot of information from a lot of different sources and then aggregate that shit–keep the stuff that sounds like it might be true and toss out the rest. Other life in the universe? Absolutely. UFO sightings? Sure. Aliens on Earth? Maybe. Martians who care deeply about earthling litterbugs? Oh, grandpa…
Hellyer also said that the aliens pick and choose who they reveal themselves to. “They work through individuals,” he claims. “And they try to pick out individuals who won’t be frightened to death of them, because they can give you quite a fright.”
In case he’s right about this, I would just like to say for the record that I volunteer. I don’t freak out easy. I’m a trained journalist. If you’re offering a ride in your spaceship, I don’t get motion sick or demand extra bags of peanuts or anything. I’m not afraid of a little goo or tentacles or whatever you might have going on there. And in general, I’m a pretty decent guy.
For years, my wife and I have had an understanding that if either one of us is ever offered the Close Encounters Choice–go with the aliens on their giant flying saucer thing or stay behind with your family on Earth–we go, no questions asked. Sucks for the ones left behind, sure, but that’s just not a ride you turn down. When the little grays come calling, you take your chances and go.
Even if they’re only taking you to Canada.